|The closest representation of Valeous Rex|
Yesterday there were two very exciting events in blogging, one of which was the Agent Pitch Contest on YA Topia. At the moment, there are still a few slots left, so enter for your chance to win a critique from agent Ammi-Joan Paquette.
Another super-duper contest was Show Me The Voice hosted by Brenda Drake. The blogfest, where you post the first 250 words of your MS on your blog, is over, but all through today and tomorrow, until 12pm EST, you can send your entry to firstname.lastname@example.org with 'Contest' in the subject line to enter.
Usually, I am not too keen on showing my work to anyone, for the very reasons you think, but all these other great writers were brave enough to put their stuff out there, and this inspired me to the same. This piece has been polished many times - it's decent but there's always room to improve. I love what it shows...I love that I opened with a bit of exposition (not too much, just a little) to set the mood for what proceeds it. You can't fault that a ten year old boy will read that first paragraph and be hooked, now can you? Yes, that was the plan. I also like that you learn so much about Valeous in so few words - you even get a taste of his comedic tone. But as much as I love it, I hate it all the same. I despise the second sentence in paragraph two (To be honest, flying was exhausting...); it's major telling, but for the life of me I can't come up with something that flows well. I'm still tweaking it to find a good fit. I also have a teensy problem with the fourth sentence in paragraph two. It seems overwritten to me and I'm also trying to fix that without breaking the flow. There is nothing worse than having a story with mismatched sentences that does not connect as you read.
I've prattled on like a hapless old woman, so I'll leave you to be the judge.
Thank you for taking the time to comment. It means so much.
Genre: MG Fantasy/Mystery/Adventure
Valeous Rex was the most extraordinary boy in the whole wide world, and quite proud of it, yes siree! One time, there was this sixty story lizard demolishing Tokyo. Every man, woman and child fled in terror, but not Valeous - oh no! He grabbed Godzilla by the toe, spun it around and flung that sucker into outer space. Not only that, he flew right after it and blew the beast to bits with a blast from his palm. Naturally, it was pretty safe to say there was nothing in the universe that could frighten him. In fact, he didn’t even know what fear was.
Valeous had just chased the Boogeyman across the inky skies of Europe, but lost it somewhere in the sewers of Westminster. To be honest, flying was exhausting, so he decided to have a spot of tea at a local cafe. He delighted his senses in a hot cup of Lipton, some caramel biscuits and the plight of the English in the Daily Express. He failed to notice that people were jumping from their seats and running to the door, and it wasn’t until a man bumped his table that he realized he was the only one in the room. He immediately assumed it was the deed of that dreadful muffin (“Five hundred pounds and as tasteful as a sponge, I’d run too!”), but it wasn’t. Because when Valeous Rex brought tea to his lips he spat it out at once; instead of a cup of steaming, brown liquid…it was blood.