I'm back after a long week of working like a bee, and I'm ready to give this second challenge my all! Before I explain what I'll be doing for this contest, let's have a brief summary of the rules shall we?
Prompt 1:
Two people are sitting together under the remains of a concrete bridge. Their backs are against a rusted bridge support. One person’s leg is cut. The other person has wet hair.
Prompt 2:
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Second Campaigner Challenge
Do one or more of the following:
- Write a pitch/logline for a book based on the prompts (less than 100 words)
- Write a short story/flash fiction piece of less than 200 words based on the prompts
- Write a poem with a twist using the prompts as inspiration (in less than 200 words)
- Write a story/poem in five sentences, each sentence based on one of the prompts
- Write a poem/flash fiction piece (in less than 200 words) about the water pear *without* using the words “pear”, “spoon”, or “droplet”.
I'll attempt two out of five prompts and I'll post one today and the other on Wednesday. The first will be the logline, as it's a nice change of pace, and the other will be a short story. I might change my mind and do one more, it all depends on how my work week goes, so you never know. :)
My logline is based on the image with the poor kids. Allrighty then, without further diddlying, let the challenge begin!
One Hour To Live
Haysus has nothing but wants everything, so when a strange merchant promises to shower him with riches, he doesn't hesitate for a second. All he has to do is complete three tasks: build a house, marry a girl and kill his entire family. Sounds easy enough, except he only has one hour to finish...or disappear forever.
And that's it!
I want you guys to critique this every which way. Be as critical as you can, be as kind as you can--aw heck just critique the darn thing!
This was fun and I can't wait to see what you guys came up with!
Have a great day!
29 comments:
You are a brave man, aren't you!?! I like the story idea, but I think that if you really tried to turn this into anything significant you might have a lot of people not read it simply b/c you used that particular name and those motivations OR you can go with the any publicity is good publicity. You know people would read it out of plain old curiosity, just for that character name alone.
I would love to see what kind of character arc he ends up taking. Is is disillusionment, education, corruption, redemption?
Great log line! I always enjoy how your mind twists things around.
Interesting and modern approach to the kingdom of heaven. Using the name Jesus Christ automatically draws me to these conclusions. would that is not what you are aiming for then I would consider changing the later part of your characters name. You have certainly peeked my curiosity so I will be back to see what you have adventured on in one hours time.
oops...sorry about my fast finger spelling mistakes.
hmmm. the name is distracting, but memorable!
I really want feedback on the contents of the logline so I'll do a teensey tweak to the name. I hope that's okay? :D
Good job. I'll try to remember to come back for the next one. I'm entry #5.
lol...This reminds me (not in a bad way) of Sucker Punch where the plot is like "you have to find five things...a key, something, something....and the last thing is a secret!"
That said, it sounds like a folktale, so I feel like it's be more humorous than anything, does that make sense? Of course, I feel like in a folktale, you'd have some ending that embarrasses someone and teaches a moral lesson...not to want materialistic objects?
idk! Good job though!
Well, it would make one heck of a story :-)
I agree with the others, the name stinks! I would like to know how he is going to build a house, marry and kill his whole family in one hour? Why does he have to kill his whole family.....brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, parents, children.....the list could be endless! He would need longer than an hour unless he is going to plant a bomb at his wedding, but still I can't see him building a house in that short a time, unless it is a cardboard box!
Only pulling your leg, it could be a realy good story! But, boy what a challenge!
Intense! He wouldn't be a sympathetic character though, if he had to kill his entire family. Still, I liked how it read. (#30)
Hmmm...'Killing his whole family' would be 'easy enough'? I like the log line, but I'm not sure how I feel about this character.
Melissa Maygrove #14
Good work on the challenge.
(side note, I gave you an award, the sunny blogger...and needless to say, the blogosphere is eager to see the pretty flower on your site...should you dare)
Interesting comment. What do you mean by disappear? Just curious. Otherwise, sounds like it would make for an intriguing hook!
I think it's a fantastic idea. I think the time needs to be changed. No one can build a house in an hour, unless they're made out of a deck of cards. Then again, if he makes a house out of cards, and was to trick the merchant and have it count, then I'd like him all the more.
Just because he has to kill his whole family, doesn't mean he'll do it. (I was speaking more to your commentors than you there. :) ) The whole point of a story is for the protagonist to have an emotional arc, so trying to find a way to satisfy this without actually killing them, or attempting to kill them and not being able to do it, etc., could make for a very strong story.
LOL, by his name and the flack you got for it, I'm assuming it was Jesus, as in the Spanish pronunciation and not the American. ;)
All-in-all, I think it's an awesome premise. If you have him do all those things and actually kill his family, I'd hate the ending and bitch about it more than I do the ending for I Am Legend, but if you twist it, I'd lap it up. :)
My only crit is: I WANT MORE! This sounds like a brilliant concept you MUST elaborate on. I'd definitely read it. Well done.
This is really intriguing! It has me asking so many questions. The obvious is how Haysus (like the name) is going to accomplish the 3 tasks. If he "doesn't hesitate for a second" then he must already think he has a shot at completing the tasks.... Maybe killing his entire family is the only thing that causes him difficulty...maybe the merchant winds up being his entire family at the end and in the last 60 seconds he must kill him? If he marries the girl first, then she becomes part of his family...would he then have to kill her? Better save that for last! Sorry, my imagination is running wild with your idea so you have me hooked and for that, Bravo! (: Can't wait to read your story!
I hope you're seriously considering writing this story. It sounds like there's great potential for it to be a really interesting story and fro Haysus to be a lot smarter than the merchant, completing the tasks without turning into an unlikeable or bad person. (Like, for instance, the commenter who mentioned building a house of cards. That would totally make me love Haysus.)
There are a few things this is missing as a logline. For one, I can't gauge how old Haysus is. He's old enough to get married, but what age is that in whatever world this is? Also, saying he has nothing is vague, and you could build the story more by telling us what nothing is: Does that mean he doesn't have a family? Or just money? Having him want everything makes me like him a little less since he comes off as materialistic or greedy, but maybe you're talking about emotional stuff like love or respect. Also challenging how much I like him: Faced with the idea of having to kill his whole family, he "doesn't hesitate for a second." What kind of person is that?
I think someone else mentioned this, but completing those tasks in an hour doesn't "sound easy enough" to me. Especially the killing part. Though an hour does sound like a really short amount of time to complete this, I can see how it would work if Haysus thinks outside the box. It reminds me of those short mysteries where you have to think of strange solutions, like:
To test the man who would win his daughter's hand in marriage, a king filled a room with thousands of fake flowers and one real one. Strong, brave, and handsome men failed to find the flower and the king got discouraged. Finally, a young man who wasn't strong or handsome entered. He walked to the window and opened it. After a few minutes, a bee flew into the room and buzzed around until it landed on a flower. the man picked the flower, the only real flower, and gave it to the king, who in turn gave the man his daughter's hand in marriage.
And, yeah, I'm going to back away slowly as you realize how long this comment is.
I'm lurking quietly but enjoying :)
I like it. It has me wondering why is it not a problem to kill his entire family.
Oo, it made me want to go, "Dun, dun, dunnnnnnnnn!" Nice work, T.D.! :)
Build a house in an hour AND kill his entire family? In the same hour?
Is your MC a genie? I think he should be a genie. ;)
That's a heck of a pitch. It would be quite a feat if you pulled it off and made us sympathetic towards the character. Lots of twists along the way would be the way to go.
THANK YOU ALL FOR THE COMMENTS! IT HAS BEEN MORE THAN I COULD ASK FOR!
CHEERS!
I like the pitch!! It sounds like a promising story, can't wait to see how you pull it off!! Good luck.
I'm not on expert on pitches. That said, I liked the concept.
Great concept! I just got hung up on the hour timeline, but I see how it could be twisted. Sometimes I think too much in black and white.
Interesting concept. Sounds like something I'd be interested in reading. Nice job.
That's an intriguing pitch, but definitely way out there on two counts - one, that the character would be willing to kill his entire family for money, and that he could build a house in an hour - though I suppose it might depend on your definition of 'house' ;)
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